Pirates of the Caribbean Phone Call
by SelenaRoX
Summary: What if you got a phone call from Davy Jones, Hector Barbossa, Tia Dalma,James Norrington, Elizebeth Swann, William Turner, Or CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW himself? What would you say? What would THEY say? ...
1. Jack Sparrow

*You phone a random person*

Ring! Ring! Ring!

PERSON ANSWERS: Hello?

YOU: I'm captain Jack Sparrow, Savvy?

PERSON: Umm Who?

YOU: Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.

PERSON: Is something wrong?

YOU: Pirate.

PERSON: Do you need something?

YOU: Where is it? Where's the thump-thump?

PERSON: Are you okay?

YOU: She's only a ship, mate.

PERSON: What are you TALKING ABOUT?

YOU: Cuttlefish. Let us dear friends, not forget our dear friends the cuttlefish.

PERSON: You're a WEIRDO!

YOU: Oh! I'm sorry I didn't know, if I see one I shall inform you immediately.

PERSON: YOU'RE MAD!

YOU: Well thank goodness for that because if I wasn't this would probably never work!

PERSON: Listen, if you don't tell me what you want then I'm hanging up!

YOU: You seem somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?

PERSON: WHAT?

YOU: Dirt. This is a jar of dirt.

PERSON: Are you drinking?

YOU: But why is the rum ALWAYS gone?

PERSON: So the point of your call IS?

YOU: She's safe just like I promised, she's all set to marry Norrington like she promised, and you get to die for her, like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... Except for Elizabeth who is indeed a woman...

PERSON: What? YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE DEAD HERE!

YOU: Am I not?... Oh.

PERSON: Please, just tell me... Why did you call?

YOU: Think like Will, think like Will, think like Will!

PERSON: Are you mentally retarded?

YOU: Nobody move! ... I dropped my brain!

PERSON: I'm hanging up, DONT CALL BACK!

YOU: My hands are clean in this weirdness.

PERSON: Uhhh! GOODBYE!

YOU: This is the day you will always remember, as the day that you almost-

*PersonHangsUp*

YOU: Oh! Peanut!


	2. William Turner

William Turner Call

*PhoneRings*

RING! RING! RING!

*Person Answers*

PERSON: Hello?

YOU: My name is Will Turner! My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner! His blood runs in my veins. On my word, do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' locker!

PERSON: WOAH! WOAH! WOAH!... Hold on a second... Don't shoot yourself! If you do I'll forever feel guilt, like I caused a death. I know, I don't know you but I couldn't live with the thought of you dying on my account, Will Turner! ... Just tell me what you want and... What's Davy Jones' Locker?

YOU: There's a freshwater island not very far from here. We can resupply there, and get back to shooting each other later.

PERSON: Ok. Good. Your not gonna shoot yourself... *sigh* So what DO you want?

YOU: At the moment?

PERSON: Uhh ya, DUH! Of course at the moment! Or do you have so many treasures that you're obsessed with (that you don't have, but want) that you can't decide what you want?

YOU: That is not true…I am not obsessed with treasure!

PERSON: I could send a person to you, to help you... *mumbles* With your suicide ... Issues...

YOU: Leverage.

PERSON: I guess... I could send a crew full of people!

YOU: This... is your able-bodied crew?

PERSON: I'm just doing the best I can...

YOU: I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

PERSON: But their not pirates...

YOU: I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a pirate, I can kill it!

PERSON: Sir, you need help. ... What can I do for you, already?

YOU: What is it you want most?

PERSON: Uhh... ... *Pause*

PERSON: I gotta go...

YOU: Keep a weather eye on the horizon.

PERSON: OOOOHHHHKKKKAAAAYYYY... ... Bye?

YOU: *HangUp*

PERSON: ... That was weird... *click*


	3. Davy Jones

Davy Jones Call

*PhoneRings*

PERSON: Yello?

YOU: The Dutchman sails as it captain commands it.

PERSON: Ummm... Err... The Dutchman? Who's this?

YOU: Not a person! A sea goddess bound in her bones!

PERSON: ... Okay I KNOW your not a Goddess... ... What do you want?

YOU: Who sent that thieving charlatan on to my ship? Who told him of the key? …Jack Sparrow!

PERSON: Who? What ship? ... The Dutchman! I think you called the wrong person... My name's Scott... Not Josh-John-Josiah-Who did you say? Jack?

YOU: Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless. Have you not introduced yourself, all these years, as Captain Jack Sparrow? Ha, ha, ha!

PERSON: Your starting to freak me out... Who are you, and what do you want?

YOU: You can do NOTHING without the key!

PERSON: *mumbles* first this Dutchman ship... Then this Jacky guy... And now a KEY? *speaking louder* What key? What does it open?

YOU: The chest, give it here!

PERSON: ... this is random! WHAT CHEST, WHAT KEY, WHAT DUTCHMAN, AND WHAT JAC-KEY GUY?

YOU: Let no joyful voice be heard! Let no man look up to the sky with hope! And let this day be cursed by we who ready to wake…the Kraken!

PERSON: The KrAkEn? ... What's that? Listen... Whoever you are... I'm in no mood for your jokes! Now, tell me what it is you called FoR?

YOU: Life is cruel. Why should the afterlife be any different? I offer you a choice. Join my crew, and postpone the judgment. One hundred years before the mast. Will ye serve?

PERSON: Ummm...

YOU: Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare, all your sins punished? I can offer you…an escape.

PERSON: NO! I will NOT serve you, I don't even know who you are, and no I do NOT fear death...

*mumbles* that much...

YOU: TO THE DEPTHS!

*cLiCk*

YOU: JACK SPARRA!


	4. James Norrington

James Norrington Call

*PhoneRings*

*you*pick*up*

YOU: Hello?

JAMES NORRINGTON: Mr. Turner, you are not a military man. You are not a sailor. You are a blacksmith. And this is not the moment for rash actions.

YOU: But I'm not 'Mr Turner' I'm not a military man, sailor, or a BLACKSMITH, and might I ask just who you are?

JAMES NORRINGTON: Had a brush with the East India Trading Company, did we? Pirate?

YOU: Ummm...

JAMES NORRINGTON: Vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them. I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves. A short drop and a sudden stop.

YOU: BUT THAT'S SO CRUEL!

JAMES NORRINGTON: Come on, then! Who wants some? Form an orderly line and I'll have you all, one by one. Come on, who's first?

YOU: Okay. I get it. You HATE pirates, but what do you want?

JAMES NORRINGTON: Lord Beckett desires the content of that chest. I deliver it, I get my life back.

YOU: So what do you want from me?

JAMES NORRINGTON: I shall fight you for the crown and for my own pleasure.

YOU: WOAH! When did I get on YOUR bad side? What did I ever do?

JAMES NORRINGTON: That is without doubt the worst pirate I have ever seen.

YOU: But I'm not a pirate! I have done nothing wrong! Besides who are you to accuse me/put me in jail? What's YOUR story?

JAMES NORRINGTON: My story. It's exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind. I chased a man across the seven seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life.

YOU: Whatever your story is, I can assure you it's not the same as MINE!

JAMES NORRINGTON: Steady, man!

YOU: WOAH! Okay, I don't know who you ARE or what you want... So I'm hanging up now...

JAMES NORRINGTON: Back to your station, sailor.

YOU: Gladly, I'm hanging UP!

JAMES NORRINGTON: This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life.

*Click*

JAMES NORRINGTON: You actually were telling the truth.


	5. Hector Barbossa

Hector Barbossa Call

*PhOnE*RiNgS*

PERSON: Hello?... Who is it?

YOU: Barrrbossa...

PERSON: Hello, Mr. Barbossa. I'm Michelle ... How are you?

YOU: I feel... Cold.

PERSON: ... *mumbles* I don't really care...

*speaking louder* Okay, what do you want?

YOU: If ye have something to say, I might be saying something as well.

PERSON: I already told you my name, what more do you want me to say? ... Again I repeat... Is there something I can tell you? Help you with? What do you want?

YOU: I'm curious. After killing me what is it you're planning on doing next?

PERSON: WOAH! You are NOT accusing me of murder, or planning it! I was in no way intending to hurt you! I don't even KNOW you! Mr. Barbossa!

YOU: Aye. Isla de Muerta, remember? You shot me.

PERSON: No I DIDNT! ... But IF I shot you...

*mumbles* which I didn't...

*speaks louder* HOW could you be alive? You don't actually expect me to believe a DEAD person is talking to me on the phone... Do you? You need to get some sleep...

YOU: You can sleep when you're dead. Push on!

PERSON: DEAD! I don't believe in the UNDEAD!

YOU: Aye, but that's a gamble of long odds, ain't it? There's never a guarantee of comin' back, but passin' on, that's dead certain.

PERSON: Listen, you can die but you can't die and come back to life! And certainly you CAN'T be UNDEAD!

YOU: For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh. You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You're in one!

PERSON: ... Your CRAZY! GHOSTS DON'T EXIST! Can you stop joking around and claiming nonsense about yourself and tell me what YOU WANT!

YOU: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request…Means "no".

PERSON: FINE THEN! If you insist... Then I won't be of any help to you... So I'll hang up!

YOU: You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters!

PERSON: You've lost me...

YOU: For certain, ye have to be lost to find a place that can't be found. Else ways, everyone would know where it was.

PERSON: Okay... This has got to be the weirdest phone call EVER!

YOU: Everything we've ever faced, everything we've ever done, has led to this.

PERSON: STOP! Speaking nonsense!

YOU: There was a time when a pirate was free to make his own way in the world. But our time is comin' to an end. Our enemies have united, and have vowed to destroy us.

PERSON: Is THIS the reason of your call? Your a PIRATE? in that case I refuse to help you! If not... Then WHAT is it you want?

YOU: Better were the days when mastery of seas came not from bargains struck with eldritch creatures, but from the sweat of a man's brow and the strength of his back alone. You all know this to be true.

PERSON: Actually... Better be the days when nobody got phone calls from bloody pirates who don't make no sense. And better be the day pirates were extinguished from the earth. And pshyo's are eliminated from the world!

YOU: There be a lot of long words in there, miss. We're naught but humble pirates. What is it that you want?

PERSON: I want you to SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!

YOU: I'm a little busy at the moment.

PERSON: Busy. Busy. BUSY! Your NOT busy your talking to me! You CAN STOP talking to me! I am HANGING UP... AND I'M GONNA RUN AS FAR AWAY FROM THE PHONE AS POSSIBLE!

YOU: Still thinkin' of runnin', Jack? Think you can outrun the world? You know, the problem with bein' the last of anythin', is by and by there'll be none left at all.

PERSON: MY NAMES NOT BLOODY JACK! And YES I plan on running and at least the whole world isn't as psycho as YOU, Mr. Barbossa!

YOU: I must admit Jack, I thought I had ya figured, it turns out your a hard man to predict.

PERSON: Goodbye.

*cLiCk*

YOU: Mmm Your daddy's boy. Ya, that's a good boy! Mm ya...


	6. Tia Dalma

Tia Dalma Call

*YOU'RE* *CALLING* *A* *RANDOM* *NUMBER*

...

*Someone*Answers...*

TIA DALMA: What... Service can I do you?

YOU: Uhh.. Who is this?

TIA DALMA: You know not what I am.

YOU: Do I know you?

TIA DALMA: You want to know me?

YOU: ... I reconize that voice... ... Your-Your- ...TIA DALMA! ...I'm SARAH!

TIA DALMA: You know not what it means to take on me.

YOU: YOU ARE HeR!

TIA DALMA: You have a touch of destiny about you!

YOU: I ... Do? How can YOU tell?

TIA DALMA: That be just a taste of my powers.

YOU: Your a SEA GODDESS!

TIA DALMA: It's my nature. Would you love me as anything but what I am?

YOU: I do NOT love you!

TIA DALMA: You be lost to claim a victory from me.

YOU: I could win no battle with YOU!

TIA DALMA: If you ready to pass over, I know the way.

YOU: If there was a way to be rid of you...

TIA DALMA: Would you do it? Hm? What would you…hm? What would any of you be willing to do, hm? Would you sail to the ends of the Eart' and beyond?

YOU: You're the weirdest, goddess ever! I hate you! You... You... You SEA WITCH!

TIA DALMA: The touch of destiny!

*You*Hangs*up*

YOU: Remind me not to call random people again...!


	7. Lord Cutler Beckett

Lord Beckett Call

*You*Phone*A*Random*Person*

RING! RING! RING!

*Person*Picks*Up*

PERSON: ... WhAt?

YOU: The East India Trading Company has need of your services: we wish for you to act as our agent in a business transaction with our mutual friend, Captain Sparrow.

PERSON: ...WhAt?

YOU: Perhaps you remember a certain pirate, named Jack Sparrow.

PERSON: ... Uhhh... Maybe...

*mumbles* Not...

YOU: Yes, I thought you might.

PERSON: How do you know him?

YOU: We've had dealings in the past. And we've each left our mark on the other.

PERSON: ... Ok. But, what do you want with Mr. Sparrow?

YOU: Jack Sparrow is a dying breed. The world is shrinking…the blank edges of the map filled in. Jack must find his place in the New World or perish.

PERSON: Ok. So what do you want ME to do bout ThAt?

YOU: The Brethren know they face extinction. All that remains is for them to decide where they make their final stand.

PERSON: So? What do you want with the BrEtHrEn?

YOU: We need prisoners to interrogate, and that tends to work best when they're alive.

PERSON: Ok. So you want ME to find ThEm?

YOU: Our ships are in pursuit, and justice will be dispensed by cannonade and cutlass, and all manner of remorseless pieces of metal.

PERSON: So...? I don't get it what do you need me for?

YOU: So you see Mercer, every man has a price he will willingly accept, even for that which he hopes, never to sell.

PERSON: Your not making ANY sense at ALL! Can you not just get to the point?

YOU: By your efforts, Jack Sparrow was set free. I would like you to go to him and recover a certain property in his possession.

PERSON: Ahh... So you want something from him, that you want ME to get?

YOU: I'll still want that compass. Consider that in your calculations.

PERSON: AHHH... So your after a compass that this Jack dude has. ... Pfff... Don't you HAVE one?

YOU: Jack, I've just recalled: I have this wonderful compass, which points to whatever I want, so for what do I need you.

PERSON: But if you already have the compass...?

YOU: Ah, I see. You think the compass leads only to the Isla de Muerta, and so you hope to save me from an evil fate. But you mustn't worry: I care not for cursed Aztec gold, my desires are not so provincial. There's more than one chest of value in these waters…So perhaps you may wish to enhance your offer.

PERSON: Ok. I THINK I half understand. Even though I'd appreciate if you didn't talk in soooooo many riddles. It's rather irritating, you know? So... Let me make this clear... You want me to find this Jack creep and get his compass from him? ... How? By force...?

YOU: Bargain.

PERSON: Ok. ... See isnt it a lot easier talking... Half-normal? ... But what's in it for me?

YOU: Yes, letters of Marque, and there not valid until they bare my signature.

PERSON: A full pardon? But I've done nothing wrong to NEED a pardon!

YOU: Curious. Your friends appear to be quite desperate, Jack. Perhaps they no longer believe that a gathering of squabbling pirates can defeat the Flying Dutchman. And so despair leads to betrayal. And you and I are no strangers to betrayal, are we, Jack?

PERSON: ... I don't understand.

YOU: This is no longer your world, Jones. I thought you had learned that when I ordered you to kill your pet. The immaterial has become…immaterial.

PERSON: STOP CALLING ME DIFFERENT NAMES!... My name's John.

YOU: No doubt you've discovered that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm, as your father believes.

PERSON: ...And I thought we were just begining to stop speaking in riddles! ... ... Then what is?

YOU: I'm afraid currency, is the currency of the realm.

PERSON: ... Ok... Your wasting my time. Who are you? Just some random man pulling a dumb prank?

YOU: It's Lord now actually.

PERSON: Pfff... You have no right to order me to do anything! You don't know me!

YOU: In fact I do.

PERSON: Lord Riddle-man, I'm HANGING UP! GOODBYE!

YOU: Advise your Brethren: you can fight, and all of you will die, or you can not fight, in which case only most of you will die.

PERSON: ...

*cLiCk*

YOU: It's just... Good business...


	8. Elizabeth Swann

Elizabeth Swann Call

*PhOnE*rInGs*YoU*cAlL*a*WrOnG*Number*

YOU: Hi! KAYLEE! What's up?

ELIZABETH SWANN: Must how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

YOU: Kaayylleee... WHAT are you talking about?

ELIZABETH SWANN: I'm here to find the man I love.

YOU: The man you looovvvveee ... Ya OOOOHHHHKKKKAAAAYYYY! HAHA! I know you like Tycen, Kaayyllleeyy!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.

YOU: Ha! Ha, ha, ha, HA! You mean Orlando Bloom? HA! Somebodies been watch Pirates of the Caribbean! I thought we agreed we both HATED that movie! What made you 'LiKe' it now, hmm?

ELIZABETH SWANN: Curiosity. Your going to want it, a chance to be admired. And gain the rewards that follow, you won't be able to resist. Your going to want to know what it tastes like.

YOU: K-kay... Your acting weird... Can you stop it's creeping me out... This is you, riiiggghhhttt, Kaylee?

ELIZABETH SWANN: Must how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

YOU: ... Oh I'm sorry, I must have gotten the wrong number... I guess I'll go... Sorry... Bye. ...

ELIZABETH SWANN: But I need YOUR HELP!

YOU: ...OHHH okay... What can I do for you, Elizabeth?...

ELIZABETH SWANN: This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle…oh, fine! Let's just pull out our swords and start banging away at each other, that'll solve everything! I'VE HAD IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH WOBBLY-LEGGED...RUM-SOAKED... PIRATES! YOU: PIRATES? Your dealing with pirates? Huh! Pirates like don't exist anymore, the 21st century is like ... Boring. No adventure. Nobody escapes from prison and then swings away on a rope anymore. All we do is get into traffic jams on the way to MC DONALDs! ... I'd be glad to help!

ELIZABETH: Then what shall we die for? Now You will listen to me. Listen! The Brethren will still be looking here, to us, to the Black Pearl to lead. And what will they see? Frightened bilge rats aboard a derelict ship? No. No, they will see free men! And freedom! And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons. They will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brows, and the strength of our backs…and the courage of our hearts! Gentlemen! Hoist the colors.

YOU: YA! Go Elizabeth! Woooohooo! Let's give 'em some pain!

ELIZABETH: You want pain? Try wearing a corset.

YOU: ... Ok. I wanna help but... I think I'd rather stick to not wearing a corset... ... So on second thought I think I'll stay at home and just watch the pirate adventures on my DVD player. ELIZABETH: Parley. I invoke the right of parley. According to the Code of the Brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you must take me to your captain.

YOU: I think I'll pass anyways... I'm gonna go call Kaylee and WATCH Pirates of the Caribbean now... So bye?

ELIZABETH: I'm not sorry.

YOU: ... Pirate.

*You*Hangs*Up*

*You*Dial*A*Number*

RING! RING! RING!

*Person*Picks*Up*

PERSON: Hello?

YOU: So KAAYYLLEEE, wanna see Pirates of the Caribbean?


	9. Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, A Pirates Life For Me

*You*And*A*Bunch*Of*Friends*Call*A*Random*Number*Together*

RING! RING! RING!

*Person*Picks*Up*

PERSON: Hello?

JACK SPARROW: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, Savvy?

PERSON: Ok. Jack Sparrow, can I help you with something?

DAVY JONES: The Chest! Hand it over!

PERSON: I don't have a chest... Except for the one in the garage with all me great great great great great great grandmama's clothing in it... I don't see why mom still has it. It's like ROTTEN! And your welcome to have it if you want it... But I have to warn you... It's probably animal-infested. Meaning rats, and mice, ...specially mice!

WILLIAM TURNER: With good reason!

JACK SPARROW: Where is it? Where's the thump-thump?

PERSON: Pff! Those clothes have been out there forever! Kill me if there's NOT mice in there, ... Yes it tis a good reason...

GIBBS: Slap me twice and hand me to me Mama!

PERSON: ... Am I talking to more then one person?

ELIZABETH SWANN: Yes...

PERSON: Ok. So Is there anything else I can do and or help you all with?

ANAMARIA: You stole my boat!

GOVERNOR SWANN: I'm told it's the latest fashion in London.

PERSON: ... Ummm?...

ELIZABETH SWANN: This is the fastest ship in the Caribbean.

ANAMARIA: You can tell them that after they've caught us.

PERSON: Ok? So were talking about a ship?

WILLIAM TURNER: We're going to steal a ship? That ship?

JACK SPARROW: Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.

PERSON: WAIT! There is NO WE! I am NOT 'Commandeering ANY SHIP!

ELIZABETH SWANN: But I need your HELP!

PERSON: If it means I have to steal a ship then; No!

JACK SPARROW: You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?

MORTOGG: What we doin' 'ere?

PERSON: You DON'T EVEN KNOW ME *why* your talking to me? Who am I talking all to?

BARBOSSA: Bbarrbooossaaa.

JACK SPARROW: Pirate.

PERSON: I'm talking to PIRATES?

JAMES NORRINGTON: I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop.

PERSON: Aha! So I'm talking to a few contradictory people here, ehh?

DAVY JONES: Not a person! A sea. Goddess bond in her bones.

PERSON: I don't believe in stories or legends!

BARBOSSA: You best start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner. You're in one.

PERSON: This is weird. Ok. How about this; you tell me your names and I'll give you the chest? Ok?

JACK SPARROW: What do you say to three shillings... and we forget the name?

BARBOSSA: Why thank ye, Jack. J

JACK SPARROW: Your welcome.

BARBOSSA: Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack.

JACK: ...

BARBOSSA: So you expect to be leaving me on some beach with not but a name and your word is the one need?

JAMES NORRINGTON: Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest. I deliver it, I get my life back.

PERSON: Who would WANT those clothes? I don't understand! How could the CLOTHES GIVE YOU your life back?

DAVY JONES: Open the chest, open the chest, I need to see it.

PERSON: How can I show it to you when your not here? Now, I know you don't want those clothes, but do you want anything else?

WILLIAM TURNER: Elizabeth is in danger.

ELIZABETH SWANN: Pirate or not this man saved my life.

PERSON: You guys aren't making any sense.

JAMES NORRINGTON: You are without a doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.

JACK SPARROW: Ah, but you have heard of me.

PERSON: So you all here are pirates, or associating with them, or at least familiar with 'a pirate, ehh?

WLLIAM TURNER: I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

PERSON: Aha! ONE person who's on my side! YaY!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Whose side is Jack on?

WILLIAM TURNER: At the moment?

PERSON: ... this really is a pointless call isn't it? Will someone not explain whats going on?

ELIZABETH SWANN: I must tell him. The pirates, they cannot be killed.

PERSON: Puh! They can be MURDERED! The awful people! Teach them the pain they cause others!

ELIZABETH SWANN: You like pain? Try wearing a corset.

PERSON: Hey! I thought you were on my side? ... I've gotta go soon so please, for the live of God, tell me what you all want!

JAMES NORRINGTON: Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the remainder of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "silent as the grave". Do I make myself clear?

PERSON: Huh?

DAVY JONES: You have a debt to pay. You've been captain of the Black Pearl for thirteen years. That was our agreement.

PERSON:... No, I haven't? I'm lost?

BARBOSSA: For certain you have to be lost to find the place that can't be found.

PERSON: ... True enough... Continue.

JACK SPARROW: Mr. Gibbs, it seems we have a need to travel upriver.

PERSON: If you need to travel 'upriver' because of me, then don't ... I live in the desert!

JACK SPARROW: Up is down. Well that's maddeningly unhelpful.

RAGETTI: Well, each man wants the chest for hisself, don't 'e? Mr. Norrington, I think, is trying to regain a bit of honor. Old Jack's looking to trade it, to save his own skin. And Turner there, I think 'e's trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.

PERSON: Ummmmm... Ok. But why would my great great great great great great grandmama's be so important?

JACK SPARROW: Oh, she's not told you. You'll have loads to talk about while you're here.

PERSON: NOBODIES TOLD ME ANYTHING! Everyone just keeps rambling on about NOTHING!

WILLIAM TURNER: This is either madness... or brilliance.

PERSON: Brilliance! Ha! It's not even worthy of being called MADNESS! It's more like; Maniacly-Major-Madness!

LORD CUTLER BECKETT: Your mad!

MARTY: I noticed lately the captain's been acting a bit strange...r.

JAMES NORRINGTON: So am I *worthy* to sail under Captain Jack Sparrow? Or should I just kill you now?

JACK SPARROW: What are you doing here? You look bloody awful.

JAMES NORRINGTON: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.

PERSON: Seriously? Seriously? This is ridiculous. You guys are all CRAZY!

TIA DALMA: It is my nature. Would you love me if I was anything but what I am?

PERSON: Who said anything bout loving you? You've ALL lost it!

JACK SPARROW: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide.

PERSON: I've about had it with all you! I'm hanging up!

JACK SPARROW: Do us a favor... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid.

PERSON: FINE! ... Your conversations are quite amusing... Anyways. ...

DAVY JONES: Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless!

PERSON: WATCH IT MISTER! I could still hang up, and you WON'T get my great great great great great great grandmama's clothes!

JAMES NORRINGTON: One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.

PERSON: Pff...

JACK SPARROW: Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.

PERSON: Who said anything about you beating me?

GIBBS: And what's your story, sailor?

PERSON: Well that was totally RANDOM! Why would you care? Oh! Except, if you knew me better then you'd get closer to achieving getting the chest from me! But I know you all want it, and I'm not sure I'm willing to want to even THINK about bargaining with any of you! I don't even know half your names! ... That is what your after... The chest. ?

JAMES NORRINGTON: No! Not anymore! Weren't you Listening?

PERSON: I was, and you all made it very clear you want the chest!

EVERYONE: ...

PERSON: How many people... Or whatever *things* am I talking to?

GIBBS: Including those four? That brings us to... four.

PERSON: ONLY FOUR! I don't believe you! Your lying!

JAMES NORRINGTON: You actually were telling the truth.

MULLROY: What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?

MORTOGG: Yeah, and no lies.

JACK SPARROW: Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.

MORTOGG: I said no lies.

MULLROY: I think he's telling the truth.

PERSON: Ok. Your wasting my time! And my patience is wearing THIN, if you don't get to the point I am hanging up and BURNING the chest! ... And tell me what are you ALL TALKING ABOUT!

JACK SPARROW: Cuttlefish. Let us dear friends, not forget out dear friends the cuttlefish.

PERSON: This is nonsense!

JACK SPARROW: How did you get here?

WILL TURNER: Sea turtles, mate. A pair of them strapped to my feet.

PERSON: YOUR ALL CRAZY! ... AHHHHH!

JACK SPARROW: NOBODY MOVE! I dropped me brain! ...

PERSON: This phone call is going to haunt me for years to come! AHHH! What I nightmare!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Well, women in London must have learned not to breathe.

PERSON: ... ... ohhhhhKKKKAAAYYYYY.

JACK SPARROW: We are very much alike you and I. I and you. Us.

PERSON: OK! This has gone WWWAAAAYYYYYY TO FAR! That was my last straw! I'm hanging up! I don't care if I have to pay the Devil my soul for it!

JACK SPARROW: But why is the rum ALWAYS GONE?

PERSON: ...WHAT? ... Your all DRUNK I shoulda known I was talking to a bunch of drunks!

JACK SPARROW: Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream, that's how I get by.

PERSON: ... uhhhh!

TIA DALMA: You. You have a touch a' destiny about you.

PERSON: Yes! Yes I do! And right now it is hanging up on you all!

ELIZABETH SWANN: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.

PERSON: UH-

JACK SPARROW: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

PERSON: Well, I guess I'll be waving at all you freaks now because I'm hanging up THE PHONE!

JACK SPARROW: Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho A pirates Life for me!

*ClicK*

GIBBS: Not quite according to plan...

JACK SPARROW: Complications arose, ensued, were overcome.

GIBBS: Do we have a heading captain?

JACK SPARROW: No. Persuade me.

GIBBS: ...Well we need a heading or we ain't going any where!

JACK SPARROW: Why should I sail with any of you? Four of you have tried to kill me in the past... one of you succeeded.

GIBBS: So were just gonna sit here forever?

JACK SPARROW: Well, then you wouldn't be here, would you? So you can't be here! Q.E.D. - you're not really here!

ELIZABETH SWANN: Jack, it's real, were really here.

GIBBS: Do we have a heading captain?

JACK SPARROW: Pirate.

GIBBS: Tortuga?

JACK SPARROW: Aye. Tortuga.

JACK SPARROW: Now bring me that horizon!... And a bottle of rum!

Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, A pirates life for me!

*click*


End file.
